So that’s what happened to the KGB

The KGB? They haven’t gone away you know.

But they’ve ended up in the most unexpected places. You’ll never guess.

Here’s the timeline:

1954 – The KGB is a line of initials stretching back to the Cheka. The USSR’s much feared national security agency.

1991 – After years of sneakiness, bumping people off and employing Vladmir Putin, the KGB runs out of steam – along with the  Soviet Union.

So where did all those secret KGB squirrels go next? Apart from into ruling Russia that is. Well, South Ossetia and Belarus created their own KGBs.

But the KGB has also established a nifty nook inside the UK. They’re inside both the House of Parliament and the royal palaces – by which I mean Buckingham Palace and the rest.

I’m not joking. I was at the House of Lords the other night at the invitation of the man once dubbed the UK’s most expensive peer. And he told me. (After first dragging me into the toilets, turning on the tap to mask our conversation and lookings over both shoulders.)*

But what are the KGB up to sneaking around the back corridors of Britain’s parliament? Need you really ask?

They’re padding along quietly when no one else is there – early mornings and late nights. Rooting around in bins. Poking into dark corners. Finding out what has been swept under the carpet. Sniffing out bad smells in government. Sticking their noses into all sorts of tight spots most people shy away from.

That’s right.

They’re cleaners.

Look! Look! It's definitely Putin. (No silly! Not the guy with the mop. That would be too obvious. The one in the police outfit. It's the ridiculous hat that gives him away. No sensible peeler would wear a hat like that.)

No really. And they’re hiding in plain sight here.

A KGB spy checks a dead letter box where counter intelligence would least expect it - under the throne. Hang on a moment! Surely you're not suggesting that, ahem, you know who is a mole?! Hmmm... Thinking about it though, there was that suspicious change of surname a while back.

Cunning eh? Who would ever suspect? They pretend that KGB stands for Kevin and Gina Brown, company founders. A likely story!

So if you spot a man with a floor polishing machine, who looks strangely similar to Vladimir Putin, peeking out from behind the Queen’s shoulder. Well… As was proven on Hong Kong Fooey, it sometimes really is the “mild mannered janitor”.

Bonus top tip for visitors to the House of Lords: If you find yourself deep within the bowels of the House of Lords, frantically dashing about the labyrinthine grand old corridors, dying for a pee. You may see a sign saying PEER. Don’t act upon the guidance you think it’s offering. It means something else entirely. And you may startle a sleeping lordship.

Ah look. Aren't they so cute. Sleeping peers.

* Everything within the brackets is false. It turned out that he wasn’t dragging me into the toilets for a chat about spies after all. I… I… I can’t say any more. It’s, er, classified.

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26 Comments

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26 responses to “So that’s what happened to the KGB

  1. roblorinov

    LOL excellent and you may be more right than you know dear comrade.

  2. In Ukraine we pronounced the KGB as kuh guh bay; and i still think they are everywhere; it’s long and complicated; some day i’ll tell you about an experience after 1993. high regards

  3. rummuser

    We have our own infamous KGB about who you can read here http://www.indianexpress.com/news/plea-filed-in-sc-against-former-cji-k-g-bala/902031/

    Indian MPs too are famous for sleeping though sessions as well as when not in session. We did learn a great deal from the British!

  4. 29

    Go easy on the noble Lord Laird, he is a sensitive being; he is a proud Ulster Scot, even going to Dublin to promote this. However he felt rather sensitive about appearing in public in his kilt and so required a taxi from Belfast to Dublin…at public expense of course.
    Also I heard him on radio emphasising that he was not paid a penny in salary for attending the Lords: his public spiritedness is an example to us all, would that there were more like him, let’s not be petty, it would probably mean only a small rise in the standard rate of income tax to fund such generosity as his.
    One thing that remains a conundrum for me is why MPs and Lords require a daily food allowance, but only when they attend Parliament; do they starve when at home?

  5. That’s right: Bash the KGB. You will NOT live to regret it. You’ll be dead.

    Do you remember that brilliant saying: “Just because you are paranoid doesn’t mean they are not after you”? And where is James Bond when you need him?

    In recent years I have been in serious mind to reinvent myself as a latter day Mata Hari. No, not because of her appetites, but because I can keep a secret. And double crossing, whilst despicable in everyday intercourse, I appreciate for its mental exercise – a bit like chess. Or Russian Roulette.

    U

    • blackwatertown

      Who said I was bashing them?
      I was of course saluting their ingenuity. I also hear they’re great singer. And handsome.
      (Can I come out of hiding yet?)

  6. Still cracking up — love it!

  7. Oh yeah, my laugh for the day, kug guh bay … uh, I mean, HH. Now we know where you hide on your off days; the truth is out.
    Blessings – Maxi

  8. Every now and then here in Miami, Florida, USA a few Cubans get picked up for spying. I always thought the matter pretty absurd. What is there to spy about? A new formula for coconut rum ?

    • blackwatertown

      Well… I’ve heard rumours about a magical castle not far from you in which humans with special powers live alongside a flying elephant and vegetables that turn into vehicles. Clearly some bio-special energy secret development lab. Full of mutants maybe. That could be what they’re spying on.

  9. Nigel

    I briefly confused the Noble Lord, Lord Laird, with a certain other Member of that House known (behind his ample back anyway) as Lord Lard. I well recall his caricature on Spitting Image; it was brilliant. I rendered him speechless one Valentine’s Day when I saw him buying flowers from a stand in Westminster, and asked him if they were for Mrs Thatcher. He was not amused, being of a left of centre persuasion. Splutter, he did.

  10. “KGB still watching you…!”…Hmm…Did anyone ever mention Wolfie is KGB!! :D :)

  11. zimnoch

    A Sort of Crèche for the elderly-old?

  12. I shall have to keep a close eye on the cleaners in my workplace from now on. Who knows what embarrassing secrets they might be sniffing out when we workers have all gone home? We might THINK they’re just dusting and hoovering….

    • blackwatertown

      “We haf ways of finding your sock!” (I may have mixed up my comedy Germans with Russians.)

  13. I seem to remember an episode of QI mentioning that the tweed worn by the old peers is treated with urine for some reason during the manufacturing process. So should you get took short and erroneously end up in the room marked PEERS, and be unable to cork it in any longer, there’s a good chance the sleeping lordships would be none the wiser. Of course I’m not offering any guarantees here, nor am I suggesting you should relieve yourself anywhere other than the appropriate facilities. But if the worst comes to the worst, you might get away with it.

    Those KGB peeps are an industrious lot, setting themselves up as cleaners to wheedle their way into high places. This in addition to gathering intelligence on our habits by using our innate thriftiness against us. Now, I’m as patriotic as the next man (as long as that man isn’t David Shayler), but I must admit I’m sorely tempted to commit treason if it’ll score me a date with Agent B. She might even consider it romantic.

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