That gorilla has stolen my coat hanger…

David Mach's Silver Streak (coat hangers)

It’s step back, jaw-droppingly, massively impressive. It makes your twisty metal art mobiles and car aerial replacements seem, frankly, pathetic. Yes – it’s a huge gorilla made from coat hangers. Finally David Mach has revealed why coat hangers were invented in the first place.   This is their true purpose realised at last. Tucked away in your wardrobe, closet or car aerial slot are hangers who’d give their eye teeth to have their hook become this gorilla’s eye teeth.

This is what lies in wait for you at the Royal Academy‘s Summer Exhibition. It’s not boring – as you’ll know if you saw Sexy Funny Art. It bills itself as the world’s largest open submission contemporary art exhibition. Now in its 242nd year, it includes painting, sculpture, photography, printmaking, architecture and film.

I could tell you what is in it, but sure you can find that out for yourself. Instead I’ll show you what prompted me to get my cash out. Maybe you’ll guess which it was before I tell you.

Here’s clue No. 1 – It was not the £265,000 Silver Streak above. Obviously the money isn’t a problem. It’s just that your clothes would keep catching on the gorilla’s hooks  as you walked past, wouldn’t they. I can hardly pass a door handle without it gouging a strip from my jumper. So that £265,000 will be invested more sensibly in drink.

Anselm Kiefer - Einschusse (oil, emulsion and accrylic, with mixed media)

Clue No.2 – It was not Anselm Keifer‘s muscular and arresting Einschusse either. It wasn’t for sale, or naturally I’d have knocked down a wall to? get it into the house. The picture could have replaced the whole wall.

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Norman Ackroyd - St Kilda in Sunlight - Stac Lee (etching)

Clue No. 3  – It wasn’t Norman Ackroyd‘s etching of St Kilda in Scotland either. I’m not greedy. One’s enough. I already have his etching From Malin Head – Tory Island. Admittedly it’s only a postcard, but I’ve got a lot to fit on the wall.

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The Doctor and Leela (That's Austin Ruddy's work in the background.)

Clue No. 4 – Dr Who? Leela? What were they doing in the Summer Exhibition? They weren’t – but the designer for the Face of Evil episodes was. He’s Austin Ruddy. I couldn’t find an image of his picture A Raw Night (oil on card). Sorry. He sometimes exhibits here though.

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James Martelli - Road Sign (Previously called Pedestrians this Way) (enamel on roadsign)

Clue No. 5 – But James Martelli‘s Road Sign caught my eye too. Vivid. A mere four figure sum to purchase. Is this the one?

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Angie Lewin - Winter Persephone (wood engraving)

Clue No. 6 – And here’s Angie Lewin‘s Winter Persephone. Down to three figures. Yes, yes, I know. So vulgar and common to talk about money. But hey – it matches my taste. Er, no offence Angie. It’s delicate and lovely. Like you. (There’s a good wee 90 sec film of her at work here.) Right enough of the ingratiating apologising. Moving on…

Clue No. 7 – Which brings us this final very cute silkscreen print from Chitra Parvathy Merchant.

Is cute a compliment or an insult to an artist? Someone let me know. Unbelievably it was unsold at £35. No red sticker. Get in! And I could afford it as I’m off the drink for the month of June. (A whole month! Covering weeks of the World Cup! It’s horrible!)

Chitra Parvathy Merchant - Multi-Tasking Hair (silk screen print)

Except it turned out to have been already sold after all, as had the cheaper edition of 50. They just hadn’t got round to adding the red stickers. Ah well, that’s more cash to invest in the breakout fund for midnight June 30th. And I’ve still got me Norman Ackroyd postcard.

Others who caught my eye included David Denby, John Wragg, Mila Fustova, sculptor John Cobb and Nicolas Granger-Taylor (though I’ve since gone off him, I think it’s his website).

And yeah yeah Tracey Emin exhibited too. It was disappointing.

There are more good pictures of the Summer Exhibition at the Daily Telegraph.

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