Big dog tried to eat our royal wedding cakes

We’d only left the door open for a moment.

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Our Royal Wedding Street Party

I only married him cos he looked like you...

The excitement is building. The tiaras are being dusted off. The red, white and blue wigs are being pulled out from the backs of cupboards.

Our street is preparing for a party. We finally found an excuse for a neighbourly shindig. It’s… ah… it’ll come to me…

Oh aye. Kate and William are getting married on Friday and we’re shutting down the area for a tea party. No, not that kind of tea party – the dainty sandwiches type of tea party.

We’ll have the traditional tables up the road, cucumber sandwiches (but with or without the crusts – that’s the dilemma), toasts, nostalgia for an imagined past we never knew and general silliness.

No doubt there’ll be a fair amount of royal-related tat on display. Our mugs from China arrived broken – so they’ll not do as prizes. But do you think them smashing in transit is a bad omen for the royal couple? Or are the bad vibes mitigated by the fact they showed a picture of Harry, not Wills, cosying up to Kate. Maybe it was for the best that the wrong brother and the bride-to-be were sundered.

Not a good likeness.

Not everyone on the road is happy about the party

O’Bama the new BIFFO?

He's not arrived already, has he? Ah dear, the place is a mess, I haven't had time to tidy up yet, fix my hair, sort out the economic mess or anything.

O’Bama’s coming. I know you’ll miss him over there. But he’s returning to his roots over here shortly.

No, not Kenya. Obviously.

Ireland.

But the big question? Is O’Bama the new BIFFO?

Some people cheat

Some people cheat. Sad, but true.

They use sellotape

Things you don’t expect to see in Harlem

So I was wandering through Harlem (New York) when I saw this sign. I did a double take. Checked my surroundings. Re-checked. Yup, still in Harlem.

No – the letters on the sign haven’t been mischievously rearranged

The camera never ever lies. You really do have the head of a dog.

It’s the truth isn’t it?

Seeing is believing.

You really do have the head of a dog. (Still, better than the head of a divine winged being.)

You’ve heard that dogs and their owners grow to look alike? Well this pair have actually merged

Pillow talk

First pair to appear on British television in bed together?

You may “sleep together”, but does that mean you actually have to sleep together?

Don’t mention the handbag

I have discovered the origin of the handbag. And there’s a shock in store for all you fashionistas out there. Two actually.

I made the surprising discovery in Berlin. But the trail goes back far at further – to ancient Babylon.

Unexpected discovery no.1

It wasn’t just you ladies who felt bereft without something gripped in your fist.

Here’s a full length picture of what could be the original bag man himself, showing off his latest to-die-for acquisition.

A joke for Europe

Greetings from Füssen in Bavaria.

You’ve heard of A Song For Europe? (It’s almost that time again – the Eurovision Song Contest is in Dusseldorf this year.) Well – here’s a joke for Europe.

An Irishman, a Greek, a Portuguese and a German walk into a bar.

Three crime writers spill the beans

Deep inside the perfect secondhand bookshop, the sign above an enticing locked door says Mysteries. Above that again are crime novels and a Thompson sub machine gun. You cant beat Westsider Books on Manhattans Upper West Side for atmosphere.

I shouldn’t really be telling you this, because I’m about to flit the country again and I’m unprepared. But SamHenry from On My Watch insisted. So here goes.

The other night I sat down with three award-winning or nominated crime writers who opened up (in a non-machine gun way) about their trade. Among the secrets they laid bare were:

1. What’s the point of crime writing?
2. The difference between crime writing and literary fiction?
3. Crime writing v. noir?
4. Does crime writing change anything?
5. Does it work in colonial or post-colonial societies?
6. Can you have a whodunnit in a developing economy?
7. Should put your friends and neighbours into the story?
8. Is there too much graphic violence against women?
9. Is Nordic Noir for wimps?
10. And – What they think you should read next (apart from themselves)?

The three writers were