Colonel Gaddafi v Daniel O’Donnell (for the Loose Bloggers Consortium)

Gaddafi's last words: "I'll top myself if you let Daniel sing..."

Warning: Not to be let near a microphone

Has your day been disrupted? Your carefully laid plans ripped up and thrown away? Hours of preparation gone to waste? Mine was. So why am I smiling? Not at all crotchety (which is today’s theme for the Loose Bloggers Consortium)? It’s all thanks to Colonel Gaddafi.

Sure, he may have made life misery for Libyans, presided over a despotic regime of fear and sudden death, invaded neighbouring states, encouraged assassination and mass murder overseas, bombed planes, supplied semtex and weapons to the IRA, protected the killer of police officer Yvonne Fletcher and inflicted repeated noxious gas attacks on journalist visitors to his tent through constant and noisy farting.

But he wasn’t all bad.

In his last act I think he went some small way towards making up for his many and various crimes, especially those against Ireland. And I am personally grateful.

Here’s how. The other day I was due to encounter a man both much loved and much loathed. He’s variously known as “the Pride of Kincasslagh”, “wee Daniel” and the nemesis of all that is pure and decent in music. He’s one of the world’s leading pushing of that pernicious aural drug – Country and Irish music. (Worse – far worse – than the worst Country ‘n’ Western.)

His name’s Daniel O’Donnell. He represents the worst in music – bland, simpering, shiny cheeked, mild, dripping in sentimentality. I can’t call him fake – because I fear he’s genuine. He’s also alarmingly, horribly popular. Coach loads of women – not all grannies – flock to his mother’s home in Donegal each year for a huge tea party. He’s the slightly more mobile version of a miraculously moving holy statue.

For years I lived in fear of accidentally hearing one of his songs on the radio – the anguish that would ensue. The tiny, hidden fear that some day – some awful awful day – he might do a cover version of a song I liked and thereby kill forever any love I had for the tune and replace it with poison.

This is the man about whom this joke was told:

You unexpectedly find yourself in a room with Saddam Hussein, Osama bin Laden and Daniel O’Donnell – and you’ve got a loaded gun! But you only have two bullets. What do you do?

Answer: Shoot Daniel twice. Just to be sure.

You could argue that I left Ireland to escape the all-pervasive Country ‘n’ Irish dirgery and it’s most successful well-scrubbed crooner. So imagine my horror to find that he had somehow tracked me down and was coming in to my workplace – where I would have to deal with him. And worse – play his music. I’ll say that again in case you missed the stark pit-of-the-stomach nausea of that. AND PLAY HIS MUSIC.

No escape.

Until Colonel Gaddafi – who I now realise has been overly maligned and under-appreciated – stepped in to sacrifice his own life to save me from that appalling prospect. (Okay, I should also give credit to NATO and the gunmen on the ground.)

In managing to get himself captured, wounded and killed, he gave me the perfect excuse – indeed, the obligation – to cancel D O’D’s appearance and devote the time to Libya instead.

If you think people in Libya were happy that Gaddafi was dead, it was nothing compared to my joy. All of a sudden the air felt fresher, nature greener, my step springier, my spine straighter, the birds chirpier. I no longer felt sick. I had been saved.

Some of you may feel I’m being unfair. Even unkind. Especially as I’ve never met Mr O’Donnell. That’ll be because you’re unfamiliar with the D O’D contagion. So I can forgive you.

I also refer you to how some parliamentary sketch writers and political cartoonists shun contact with their subject to avoid compromising the strength of their vitriol in print. Simon Hoggart in his amusing book A Long Lunch, quotes Guardian sketch writer Norman Shrapnel. Bon viveur Hoggart says he once asked Shrapnel why he was so terse with politicians on those occasions he came face-to-face with them.

‘Because,’ he said in a voice that always reminded me of Eeyore on his birthday, ‘I am afraid that if I got to know them, it would spoil the purity of my hatred.’

So it is with me. I don’t want sob stories about him helping sick children in Romania or cups of tea to undermine my resolve. I want to – and now can – remain happy in my hating.

This was a blog post for the Loose Blogger’s Consortium on the topic of crotchety. The other members will have something far more sensible to say and you can read it at their blogs listed down the right hand side of the screen, under the LBC title.

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30 Comments

Filed under D - Loose Bloggers Consortium, media

30 responses to “Colonel Gaddafi v Daniel O’Donnell (for the Loose Bloggers Consortium)

  1. I presume you are aware that the said Daniel is a transvestite who likes to dress up and call himself Dana? He/she is currently touring Ireland despite several attempts to ‘dissuade’ him. He also has grandiose ideas of becoming president here.

    And you think you have problems?

    • blackwatertown

      Now I’m really frightened. But on the other hand, Ireland must be a better place right now, as RTE have said they won’t play her/his records during the presidential campaign.

  2. With that thesis, you have just got your PhD in Crotchetiness. What a guide you must have had! Is he as crotchety as you are? Welcome to the club.

  3. I will draw attention to this disgraceful post and the blue rinses will come and get you.

    You are a slur on the economic face of Kincasla, resting place of some of my inlaws, including Ireland’s greatest traditional fiddler (and I’m talking musical instrument here). Perhaps his etherial presence will in some small way make up for the local teaparty.

    And you haven’t even mentioned Gloria.

    Or my favourite two word sentence from Caesar’s De Bello Gallico “circumvenerunt interfeceruntque”.

    Amen.

  4. On second thoughts, go ahead.

    I’ve just remembered thar it the more conventional inlaws who are buried in Kincasla. Dannie O’Donnell, the Donegal Fiddler, is buried in Cruit.

    Nár laga Dia a lámha ceolmhara.

  5. I’m right behind you on loathing D O’D and all that excruciating “traditional” music. Traditional brain-rot more like. How very considerate of the Colonel to drop dead and save you from such a hellish encounter. As long as the D O’D interview isn’t rescheduled due to “popular demand”.

    • blackwatertown

      Traditional music I like – or as I prefer to call it – soul music – but not the “What’s going on?” kind – though I like that too.
      But imagine some odd combination of a doily, a knitted toilet roll concealer and a pink toilet lozenge (lozenge? Is that the right word?) in a pointlessly deocrative plastic case designed to look like a lace curtain – in other words, namby pamby country ‘n’ irish music. (No cap for the irish in that particular combination.) Also bad, but not quite as bad, is the more robust roistering country ‘n’ irish genre – somehow bereft of country and western’s redeeming features.

    • blackwatertown

      As for the rescheduling risk – it’s fine – I won’t be there. (In fact, neither will the network – having been banished, sorry, exiled, sorry, marginalised, sorry, relocated elsewhere.

  6. I bet you sing like Dear Darling Daniel, when you are in the bath!!

  7. Hmm, two shots to end your misery…

    • blackwatertown

      And how’d have expected that the correct answer to the joke above was to shoot Gaddafi – thereby removing Daniel from the equation anyway?

  8. I hear Gadaffi was actually a better singer of “Traditional Irish Folk” songs that DO’D. Spooky or what?

  9. Until today, I had never heard of Daniel O’Donnell. I loved your (awful!) description, it had me in stitches.

    Thanks for the warning!

  10. That was worth the effort of getting back online for! Brilliant post and great to curl up laughing now I am back 🙂 Happy hating! And thanks for the giggles 🙂

  11. Oh, my, he truly sounds dreadful. I’m glad I’ve never been subject to this man’s music. I try to avoid most music whenever I can anyway. There is too much bad music in the world. Oh, the suffering it causes.

  12. Do NATO know about Dannie O’Donnell?
    As for Gadaffi, THOSE photos! He was going bald I see…..they could have given him more dignity& respect…….

    • blackwatertown

      A mate of a mate used to make his hats – the military ones. Always left a gap in the middle of the top for his afro – wasn’t visible when seen from the front.

  13. I was laughing even before I had read past the title 🙂
    Crotchety indeed

  14. Fortunately his apparent charms have not yet reached the antipodes. Then I googled him . . guess who’s touring Australia in 2012. Shall I buy you a ticket?

  15. You’re going to have up date that joke since Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden are no longer with us. And now Gaddafi. It’s been a bad year for evil.

  16. Pingback: Donnell ireland | Kenskeysandloc

  17. I really hated how the U.S. jumped on the “F-U Gaddafi” bandwagon as soon as the major rebellion started. It completely contradicts the negotiations we had been making.
    On the other hand, I guess it’s just another bullet that Iwe don’t have to fire ourselves.

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