Trust me, I’m a doctor… or a nurse or an anaesthetist or a radiologist or just a bloke painting the corridor wearing a white coat. Easy mistake to make. Happened to a mate of mine. The people who collared him were overwhelmingly grateful that he’d saved their son’s life. He hadn’t the heart to tell them he was only there to give the walls another layer of ghastly green.
But hospitals and their long-suffering, truly dedicated, kind hearted, plastic glove stretching, tonsil tickling, into ear peering, chest listening, just bend overing, won’t hurt a bittering, ooh that looks nastying, trust me I’m a doctoring and please… just relax, lovely lovely staff – are on my mind for two reasons.
I know that a sainted reader of this very blog will be working in one over Christmas. And also – the Loose Bloggers Consortium threatened to shove me off my trolley if I didn’t write something about hospitals. (Ha! Too late – I’ve been off my trolley for years now.)
So in honour of those caring souls sharing their Hypocratic benevolence on hospital wards at this time of year, here’s a guide to the abbreviations they use. (Just so the rest of us can be quicker on the uptake and not force them to waste time explaining themselves.) Those of a sensitive disposition may scroll straight to the bottom for the less offensive video.
- The classic – NFN – Normal for Norfolk. (May translate as MFM – Mild for Mumbai or CIC – Common in Canberra)
- PIMBA – one from Brazil – Pé Inchado Mulambo Bêbado Atropelado – or swollen-footed, drunk, run-over beggar – charming
- FLK – funny looking kid (could come in useful elsewhere)
- GROLIES – Guardian reader of low intelligence in ethnic skirt (too contrived)
- GLM – Good Looking Mum
GPO – Good for Parts Only
TEETH – Tried Everything Else, Try Homeopathy
UBI – Unexplained Beer Injury
Gomer – Get out of my emergency room
TTFO – Tell Them to… er… Find their own way Out (or something similar)
- PAFO – Pissed And Fell Over
- OAP – Over Anxious Patient
- CTD – Circling the Drain – the prognosis is not so great
- LOBNH – Lights On But Nobody Home
- and finally – Pumpkin Positive – the suspicion that a penlight shone into the patient’s mouth would encounter a brain so small that the whole head would light up.
Hmm… Thinking back to that last time I was in hospital… I’m not sure the staff were really laughing with me after all.
But on a more positive note – just think how busy Accident and Emergency would be if computer problems were real. (And after viewing, you can look at the scars and stitches being displayed by the other members of the Loose Bloggers Consortium. Their links are on the right hand side of the screen – just scroll down.)