Trust me I’m a doctor…

Trust me, I’m a doctor… or a nurse or an anaesthetist or a radiologist or just a bloke painting the corridor wearing a white coat. Easy mistake to make. Happened to a mate of mine. The people who collared him were overwhelmingly grateful that he’d saved their son’s life. He hadn’t the heart to tell them he was only there to give the walls another layer of ghastly green.

But hospitals and their long-suffering, truly dedicated, kind hearted, plastic glove stretching, tonsil tickling, into ear peering, chest listening, just bend overing, won’t hurt a bittering, ooh that looks nastying, trust me I’m a doctoring and please… just relax, lovely lovely staff – are on my mind for two reasons.

I know that a sainted reader of this very blog will be working in one over Christmas. And also – the Loose Bloggers Consortium threatened to shove me off my trolley if I didn’t write something about hospitals. (Ha! Too late – I’ve been off my trolley for years now.)

So in honour of those caring souls sharing their Hypocratic benevolence on hospital wards at this time of year, here’s a guide to the abbreviations they use. (Just so the rest of us can be quicker on the uptake and not force them to waste time explaining themselves.) Those of a sensitive disposition may scroll straight to the bottom for the less offensive video.

  • The classic – NFN – Normal for Norfolk. (May translate as MFM – Mild for Mumbai or CIC – Common in Canberra)
  • PIMBA – one from Brazil – Pé Inchado Mulambo Bêbado Atropelado – or swollen-footed, drunk, run-over beggar – charming
  • FLK – funny looking kid (could come in useful elsewhere)
  • GROLIES – Guardian reader of low intelligence in ethnic skirt (too contrived)
  • GLM – Good Looking Mum
  • GPO – Good for Parts Only
  • TEETH – Tried Everything Else, Try Homeopathy
  • UBI – Unexplained Beer Injury
  • Gomer  – Get out of my emergency room
  • TTFO – Tell Them to… er… Find their own way Out (or something similar)
  • PAFO – Pissed And Fell Over
  • OAP – Over Anxious Patient 
  • CTD – Circling the Drain – the prognosis is not so great
  • LOBNH – Lights On But Nobody Home
  • and finally – Pumpkin Positive – the suspicion that a penlight shone into the patient’s mouth would encounter a brain so small that the whole head would light up.

Hmm… Thinking back to that last time I was in hospital… I’m not sure the staff were really laughing with me after all.

But on a more positive note – just think how busy Accident and Emergency would be if computer problems were real. (And after viewing, you can look at the scars and stitches being displayed by the other members of the Loose Bloggers Consortium. Their links are on the right hand side of the screen – just scroll down.) 

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15 Comments

Filed under D - Loose Bloggers Consortium

15 responses to “Trust me I’m a doctor…

  1. Hee hee- well this gave me a laugh. Having a few medics in the house I’d heard a few of these before- but I love CTD- will have to share that one. On a random aside, in my student days i worked as a ward clerk in the Mater Hospital Belfast and was asked by the consultant, who also happened to be my uncle, to phone the prosthetic limbs dept and tell them that the lady in bed 4 needed a brass ear. Which I duly did, with no suspicion whatsoever, until I heard the snorting of laughter at the other end of the phone. The moral of the story, never trust a doctor, especially if they’re related to you!

    • blackwatertown

      And the following day did he send you off to ask for a “long stand”?
      I remember when camping that a “skyhook” was a popular request.

  2. Of course they would not be fit to practice, but I have always wondered if actors in long running TV series learned just enough to be at least helpful as at least a medic or something. When I walk into my doctor’s office(30 years) the first thing he says is “I see you’re still alive” My response is always “Keep me so or you won’t get my money anymore.”

  3. All this terminology is Greek and Latin to an Indian hospital veteran–we only have gobbldygook for tests and treatments that are meant to keep the patient in the dark. I loved TEETH–am always having trouble with them.

    Pssst: My father studied and became a freelance Homeopath to treat me. The darned thing never worked on me or my siblings though my father seems to have great success with other patients…and I promise you, you need a lot of ‘patience’ with Homeo treatment.

    • blackwatertown

      I always enjoy hearing Indian officialdom and it’s different use of language to UK and Ireland – especially the police when they refer to a large armed action against insurgents as “we nabbed the miscreants”.

  4. Off your trolley for years? Maybe it’s a UBI and you should visit that empathetic doc.

  5. You forgot KMTID – Knows more than I do!

    By the way, you need to be off your trolley to be part of the LBC!

  6. You already know the fun and games that I was exposed to during my recent hospitalisation as well as the latest visit to my surgeon’s consulting room. If we can go in with a sense of humour, we will come out cheerfully too! And that, despite whatever white coated folks floating around do to you there.

  7. Love the picture. Says it all.

  8. Unexplained beer injury? Never got one of those, but I was more or less gravely wounded by a Pepsi can once. You could lose an arm handling those things improperly.

  9. Such a shame about your trolley! But not to worry so long as you’re not PAFO and CTD 😉 and there’s been no cries of LOBNH or Pumpkin postive you should survive lol It would probably help too if you were not PIMBA or GPO 😉 That could lead to you being an OAP and we couldn’t possibly have that…but just imagine If Computer Problems were Real!! 🙂

  10. Dev Lee

    Wonderful piece – keep it up.

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