Marketing disaster: Mountain Dew v Poitín

After drinking Mountain Dew

Pepsi is so determined to fight off a $50k claim for damages that it’s claiming that its Mountain Dew drink dissolves flesh into jelly.

Riiiight… I just hope no customers are listening.

The story is that Ronald Ball from Wisconsin alleges that a can of the drink he bought from a vending machine made him so ill he began to vomit. When he looked inside the can, he says he found a dead mouse. Nasty.

So what should Pepsi do? Pay up to shut him up? Write it off as a freak accident? Or defend itself in court?

Okay – so it refuses to roll over. But what should the defence be?

Wait a moment, I’ve got it. Foolproof!

All that’s needed to win the case is to get a vet to carry out a postmortem on the mouse and then testify that the mouse was insufficiently decomposed to have spent much time in the can, because – you’ll love this – the drink is so acidic, the mouse would have disintegrated into a jelly-like substance.

Poteen Drinkers by Brian Whelan

Works for me. Case dismissed. And lay off all those people making Mountain Dew while you’re at it, because nobody’s gonna be drinking the stuff.

It’s time we all switched to drinking the original mountain dew – poitín.

Let’s compare them:

  • Named after moonshine whisky v Named after the pot still.
  • Very highly acidic v Very highly alcoholic.
  • Reputed to shrivel genitals and cut sperm count v Reputed to make you blind.
  • Dissolves flesh into jelly v Cures calves and muscle cramp.
  • Legal v Illegal.
  • Shiny can v Wealth of traditional songs and stories.

To save you the trouble of risking jellification, I’ve tried both beverages and I can confirm that in future I’ll only be using the Rare Auld Mountain Dew – not the Pepsico acid drink. (Admittedly I may use the poitín to fuel the car, rather than actually drink it, but at least it’s good for something.)

I suppose that with all this drinking, you’ll be wanting a song. Here’s a Jonny McEvoy-shaped blast from the past with instructions on how to make your poitín. I heard a rumour that Rihanna’s intending to do a cover version. 

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11 Comments

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11 responses to “Marketing disaster: Mountain Dew v Poitín

  1. You must have heard of the preacher who demonstrated the ill effects of drinking by dropping a worm into a glass of the hard stuff?

    “And what does that prove?” he asked as the animal dissolved. At which a voice came from the back:

    “If you drink whiskey, you don’t get worms.”

    • blackwatertown

      Boom tish!
      For some reason that reminds me of the bottom falling out of your world v the world falling out of your bottom conundrum… but I can’t remember which was the preferred outcome.

  2. Serves him right . Mountain Dew tastes like piss and Dr Pepper like cough syrup. Neither seems refreshing to me. What is really ironic is that the FDA has standards as to an acceptable level of parts per million of rat feces and hair in all packaged food and drink. We have a huge rat infestation in the halls of USA congress. Well not the halls actually. These rats sit in chairs.

  3. The best poitín I ever tasted was made in the heart of London, by a late uncle, many moons ago!

  4. I’m with Carl about the rats. Still, there are those who will make any claim to get money.

    Blessings – Maxi

  5. Carl summed it up beautifully, “These rats sit in chairs” (referring to the prolific rat infestation in US Congress).

  6. You ain’t seen anything yet. You want real hard to beat moonshine or mountain dew, you can do no better than do the Indian hooch. You will read stories like this every day all over India/
    http://www.sify.com/news/hooch-kills-17-in-andhra-pradesh-news-health-mbdamraccgg.html

  7. U Slane

    The devil takes the hindmost.

  8. Mountain Dew turns things into jelly? I hope Pepsi doesn’t, because I drink that sometimes. I don’t seem to be turning into jelly yet. But, I do know that the cans are pretty dangerous. I cut my thumb trying to open it once…and almost died. Well, to be more exact, it hurt a lot. And made me sad. That’s close.

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