Pepsi is so determined to fight off a $50k claim for damages that it’s claiming that its Mountain Dew drink dissolves flesh into jelly.
Riiiight… I just hope no customers are listening.
The story is that Ronald Ball from Wisconsin alleges that a can of the drink he bought from a vending machine made him so ill he began to vomit. When he looked inside the can, he says he found a dead mouse. Nasty.
So what should Pepsi do? Pay up to shut him up? Write it off as a freak accident? Or defend itself in court?
Okay – so it refuses to roll over. But what should the defence be?
Wait a moment, I’ve got it. Foolproof!
All that’s needed to win the case is to get a vet to carry out a postmortem on the mouse and then testify that the mouse was insufficiently decomposed to have spent much time in the can, because – you’ll love this – the drink is so acidic, the mouse would have disintegrated into a jelly-like substance.
Works for me. Case dismissed. And lay off all those people making Mountain Dew while you’re at it, because nobody’s gonna be drinking the stuff.
It’s time we all switched to drinking the original mountain dew – poitín.
Let’s compare them:
- Named after moonshine whisky v Named after the pot still.
- Very highly acidic v Very highly alcoholic.
- Reputed to shrivel genitals and cut sperm count v Reputed to make you blind.
- Dissolves flesh into jelly v Cures calves and muscle cramp.
- Legal v Illegal.
- Shiny can v Wealth of traditional songs and stories.
To save you the trouble of risking jellification, I’ve tried both beverages and I can confirm that in future I’ll only be using the Rare Auld Mountain Dew – not the Pepsico acid drink. (Admittedly I may use the poitín to fuel the car, rather than actually drink it, but at least it’s good for something.)
I suppose that with all this drinking, you’ll be wanting a song. Here’s a Jonny McEvoy-shaped blast from the past with instructions on how to make your poitín. I heard a rumour that Rihanna’s intending to do a cover version.