Wrong Fit

Postman Plod - from Viz

Postman Plod – from Viz

And what rough beast, its hour come round at last, slouches back into view? It’s me. I’m tentatively back.

Now wait a minute. Don’t go pointing the finger in this direction. You’re the ones to blame. For bringing me back, that is.

Despite me disappearing deeper than the caves of Tora Bora, keeping quieter than the Count of Montecristo and remaining as inactive as your local political representative – you kept dropping by this blog. And some of you have been sneakily getting in touch by other means. Thank you.

But why today? Why now?

It’s the postman who’s really to blame. He just fits this Friday’s topic set by the Loose Bloggers Consortium – Wrong Fit.

It was like this. I came home today, stood at the front door, feeling slightly off balance as I delved for my key.

(No – don’t go jumping to conclusions. No drink had been taken.)

I opened the door and stepped over the pile of letters inside. I carried them in to the kitchen. They were mostly for the previous occupants who seem determined not to redirect their mail. (Odd, considering some of the stuff they’re getting in the post and how poorly sealed the envelopes.  I’d definitely not want other people handling them if I were them.)

Oof - nasty kick to the head there!

Oof – a nasty Franz Ferdinand kick to the head there!

I was a bit disappointed because I’d been expecting two CDs – Franz Ferdinand: Right Thoughts Right Words Right Action – and Belle and Sebastian: The Third Eye Centre (you may remember them from that film I backed.) I ordered the CDs to celebrate finally getting paid for some of the work I’d been cramming in. But still no sign of them.

Then I spotted one of those familiar red “Something For You” notes left by the postman.* The message said the item could not be delivered because it was too large to go through the letter box. It was the wrong fit. The postman had written on the paper slip: “Package under mat.”

I paused. Can that mean what I think – no, what I fear it means?

Package under mat. Under the mat at the front door? The mat that everyone stands on when entering the house?

I went back outside. Lifted the mat – the mat I’d just been shuffling about on as I hoked around for my key.

Remember the bit about feeling a little off balance? That was because of the package hidden underneath my feet. (I’d clearly be an easy booby trap target with my powers of observation.)

So the question is this: Why on earth would any adult think it was a good idea to conceal a breakable parcel where people will stand on it? Especially given the plethora of convenient alternatives hiding places available.

Answers in the comments please. And don’t all go for stupidity. I’ve come up with that one myself.

This is a post for the Loose Bloggers Consortium – these good guys and some others – Ramana, Delirious, gaelikaa, Grannymar, Maxi, Maria SF, Padmum, Rohit,Shackman, The Old Fossil and Will.

*Yes, I did use the term postman rather than something more gender neutral. Well… would any woman do that?

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39 Comments

Filed under D - Loose Bloggers Consortium

39 responses to “Wrong Fit

  1. Póló

    Good to have you back.
    Re the postie: they key’s the key.
    Beir bua

  2. Welcome back! Because the postman is an idiot, that’s why. Good to see The Obituarist has some very well deserved, positive reviews on the Amazon UK site. Entertaining post, as usual.

  3. Your back, your back, oh twirl in frabjous joy, to heck with packages we stand on; you are above them; hooray and welcome back; missed you

  4. blackwatertown

    Frabjous? Not heard that in a long time.
    Taking what you say about being above the packages – that makes me standing on the shoulders (or heads, whatever) of musical giants.
    Thanks for the welcome.

  5. Probably thought he was doing you a favor as everyone hates standing in line at the PO for special pickup.

  6. While you were out…I too was often playing Hookey! Welcome….but you left out the most interesting part…what was in the package? Your mosey friend Padmini

    • blackwatertown

      Good point – it was indeed the two CDs. One at least is intact. I’ve been listening to it. Franz Ferdinand. Very good.

  7. Hudson Howl

    what goes around comes around, then back again…apply where applicable….welcome back and all that ‘shtuffs’

    As for the postie…I suspect momentary lack of judgement due to boredom. I have never lived where mail was delivered to the door; what a luxury.

  8. Welcome back and thanks for the comment over at blog chez moi. Small acts of compassion have a big effect.

  9. Woo hoo! The boy returns! YOU WERE MISSED.

    I have a postman who arrives in a van with the packages larger than the letterbox, in one hand he holds the parcel and in the other a ready written note to put through the door. He never bothers knocking, or ringing the bell, If you are not standing waiting for him, you get the note and have to go collect the parcel at the post office. &%$#!

    Were your ears burning on Saturday night ? As I walked across the Stranmillis Embankment with speccy on our way to the Lyric for the speedily arranged Seamus Heaney Memorial, I said the last time I crossed that bridge on foot was with you!

    Time for another dander, me thinks!

    • Póló

      That’s it. Heaney told the S/HE above to tell yer man to come back. Silver Lining and Golden Apples.

    • blackwatertown

      Ah you went to that SH memorial – very good. Look forward to hearing more about it.
      I’ve had the phantom delivery people too – and chased them down the road. Once I caught the guy and demanded he hand it over. It turned out he hadn’t got it and was ONLY DELIVERING SORRY WE MISSED YOU NOTES without the actual packages in his van. Grr!

      • Póló

        That’s the division of labour for you.

        When it comes to medical consultants a heart guy would give you a pill to heal your heart but that would blow your head off. Not his problem, one for the head guy. Grrrrr.

      • blackwatertown

        I haven’t mentioned your headgear. All of a sudden you’re looking good – juzz like ‘at!

      • BWT- ?!? A van full of notes and no packages- mind boggling
        hello again 🙂

      • blackwatertown

        Makes for a quicker round I suppose. Especially if he’s trying not to get caught.
        Hello to you too.

  10. Welcome Back! Good To See You Put Your Stamp On Things Again!

  11. I am delighted to see you back BWT. To answer your specific question, the postman is a wrong fit for the job assigned to him 🙂

  12. Hi Paul, such a pleasure to make your acquaintance. Our postal carrier hides our packages, as well. It’s out kindness so folks don’t steal them but he does it so well, in fact, that there are some packages family members have sent that we have yet to find. I just hope he’s not in charge of any Easter egg hunts, or we’ll have loads of disappointed kiddos.

    • blackwatertown

      A time before this one, the postie hid the package inside the wheelie bin, on top of the rubbish already there, and closed the lid. Luckily I found before the bin collection.
      Thanks for dropping by.

  13. Yay!! You’re back old blogging cousin of mine! Good to see your post pop reassuringly in my inbox. Just read your Ted Hughes post from way back- loved hearing him read The Pike- thank you x

  14. With all this demand for you to come back and whatnot, you must be hotter than you think you are.

    • blackwatertown

      I think the secret is to write something regularly – once every seven months.
      Only joking – I’m aiming for a more frequent rate than that.

  15. Póló

    Thanks for the comment on my GCHQ/NSA/G2 blogpost
    http://bit.ly/14CzsF6
    Upped you one.

  16. Welcome back! Had been wondering where on Earth you’d vanished to and just as I was weighing up whether a giant billboard poster spreading the length and breadth of the internet, sporting a glowing review about your book might tease you out of the woodwork lol you popped up in my notifications 🙂 It was then I realised you’d been there all the time…hidden under the front doormat of my blogspace 😉 No wonder you hadn’t been around for so long! Sorry to have been standing on you on such a regular basis…I go out my front door very frequently and stand on the mat a good deal…but you seem to have bounced back into shape very nicely, as I trust your CDs did?!! 😉

    • blackwatertown

      I’m just laughing (dunno why) at the thought of me trying to find a quiet spot to nestle and snooze under my mat, only to have you scrunching and a-squashing me into the odd shapes I see in the mirror when I accidentally look into it of a morning.

      And – yes – plaudits to the packaing – the CDs seem to have survived unscathed.

  17. Welcome back!
    Sometimes, the easiest option isn’t necessarily the best.

  18. Helen

    Welcome back! Perfectly timed, as I’ve just updated my technology and will be able to chuckle at your witticisms on the go.
    Regarding the postman, I’ve a Christmas holiday of Royal Mail experience, but was never let loose on a delivery round. Your experience tells me that I clearly didn’t have what it takes- oops.

    • blackwatertown

      I’d forgotten that I’d been a postie myself. Of course I was a cut above the character referenced above. Though I did have one particular foible of occasionally adding a friendly note to the envelopes of people I knew on my round.
      Was that a bad thing?

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