It’s time I gave erotic fiction a thwack!

Given the topic, I though I should have at least one picture of a, you know, cute cat.

Given the topic, I though I should have at least one picture of a, you know, cute cat.

Everyone’s doing it. (Ooer Madam.) It’s time I did it too.

But where, how and with whom? Or what?

Maybe I’ll do best to follow the crowd, but (being very busy and important) I don’t have time to read the whole of 50 Shades of Grey – never mind the sequels. Luckily there’s an abbreviated version which I can share with you here. And, fancy that, it’s a special version aimed at men.

So read on and enjoy. Or should that be: Read on – and Tingle! (By the way, a “zimmer” is a walking frame.)

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY – (a husband’s point of view)

The missus bought a Paperback
down Shepton Mallet way
I had a look inside her bag
… T’was “Fifty Shades of Grey”

Well I just left her to it
And at ten I went to bed
An hour later she appeared
The sight filled me with dread

In her left she held a rope
And in her right a whip
She threw them down upon the floor
And then began to strip

Well fifty years or so ago
I might have had a peek
But Mabel hasn’t weathered well
She’s eighty four next week

Watching Mabel bump and grind
Could not have been much grimmer,
And things then went from bad to worse
She toppled off her Zimmer

She struggled back upon her feet
A couple minutes later
She put her teeth back in and said
“I am a dominator!”

Now if you knew our Mabel
You’d see just why I spluttered
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d uttered

She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like,
but stood on her left tit

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out
“Step on the other one!!”

Well readers, I can’t tell no more
About what occurred that day
Suffice to say my jet black hair
Turned fifty shades of grey

That work of classical literature came from here. And I suppose you could call this the musical version. It’s funny.

Right – I’m now in the zone. I even have a title for my Irish-tinted version – 40 Shades of Green, of course. (I accidentally typed that as 40 Shags of Green. Oh dear.) I’ll get Val Doonican to do the musical version.

I know if I can only get the right title, I’ll be away. Any suggestions?

NB – Remember the guy who boils his balls. Well, his girlfriend has left a comment here.

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24 Comments

Filed under poetry

24 responses to “It’s time I gave erotic fiction a thwack!

  1. Oh my god. I don’t know who Val Doonican is. He looks like David Frost.

    U

    • blackwatertown

      He was the ruler of light entertainment in the home of my childhood for a while. Cardigans. Rocking chair, Crooning. Every now and then Nana Mouskouri would come on as a guest.

  2. Val Doonican’s the last person I’d have expected to see in a post featuring 50SOG.

  3. It’s nearly impossible to type with a bum hand and laughin’ at “She toppled off her Zimmer.” You made my day HH.
    blessings ~ maxi

  4. Val Doonican, sitting in the rocking chair wearing an aran cardigan and playing the guitar, gosh that took me back.
    I’ll not be following Mable’s example, I cannot afford any more falls!

  5. Very funny take on the whole bizarre Fifty Shades phenomenon. Though I’m told interest is fading and numerous charity shops with a glut of the Shades trilogy are refusing to take any more. A passenger on my flight back from the States recently had a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey with her but she didn’t open it once during the five-hour flight. She clearly wasn’t that enthused.

    • blackwatertown

      She clearly had something more compelling in that genre sitting next to her!

      You’re right about the charity shop glut. They’ve become like video cassettes – unwanted by Oxfam, but accepted by Age UK.

      I wonder does the Venn diagram of 50 Shades readers and twilight readers contain only the one circle with them both inside?

  6. BWT, you know that I am your loyal fan who will spend money to buy your literary outputs. Please be assured that no matter what you call it, shags or shades or hades, I will be among the first to buy it when you publish it. Actually, I can’t wait.

    • blackwatertown

      Much appreciated, I’d better get on with it.
      Currently distracted trying to get a number one Christmas single. Of which – more soon.

  7. When I commented on Melody’s comment as “NIce to know that you do exist!”, WP gave a message saying that it is sorry that my comments could not be published!

  8. Nigel

    Val Doonican and before him Jon Anderson of Yes used to live in a large house in a fashionable road near to Paul. You can’t keep a good Irishman down.

    • blackwatertown

      Did they live in the same house? I hear Val’s had a recording studio.

      • Nigel

        Yes, Jon A. built the studio in the early 1970s, and Val took that over later that decade. However, while there is a considerable amount of information as to the former recording there, I have none of Val D. doing so.

      • blackwatertown

        A glorified airing cupboard then – the march of laundry is inexorable.

  9. Lovely to know how much you enjoyed “50 shades of Gray” lol!!! 😉

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