Everyone’s doing it. (Ooer Madam.) It’s time I did it too.
But where, how and with whom? Or what?
Maybe I’ll do best to follow the crowd, but (being very busy and important) I don’t have time to read the whole of 50 Shades of Grey – never mind the sequels. Luckily there’s an abbreviated version which I can share with you here. And, fancy that, it’s a special version aimed at men.
So read on and enjoy. Or should that be: Read on – and Tingle! (By the way, a “zimmer” is a walking frame.)
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY – (a husband’s point of view)
The missus bought a Paperback
down Shepton Mallet way
I had a look inside her bag
… T’was “Fifty Shades of Grey”
Well I just left her to it
And at ten I went to bed
An hour later she appeared
The sight filled me with dread
In her left she held a rope
And in her right a whip
She threw them down upon the floor
And then began to strip
Well fifty years or so ago
I might have had a peek
But Mabel hasn’t weathered well
She’s eighty four next week
Watching Mabel bump and grind
Could not have been much grimmer,
And things then went from bad to worse
She toppled off her Zimmer
She struggled back upon her feet
A couple minutes later
She put her teeth back in and said
“I am a dominator!”
Now if you knew our Mabel
You’d see just why I spluttered
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d uttered
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like,
but stood on her left tit
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out
“Step on the other one!!”
Well readers, I can’t tell no more
About what occurred that day
Suffice to say my jet black hair
Turned fifty shades of grey
That work of classical literature came from here. And I suppose you could call this the musical version. It’s funny.
Right – I’m now in the zone. I even have a title for my Irish-tinted version – 40 Shades of Green, of course. (I accidentally typed that as 40 Shags of Green. Oh dear.) I’ll get Val Doonican to do the musical version.
I know if I can only get the right title, I’ll be away. Any suggestions?
NB – Remember the guy who boils his balls. Well, his girlfriend has left a comment here.