Tag Archives: joke

Cheer up

It’s cold. It’s damp. But cheer up. Watch this. (It’s quick.)

It’s actually not bad. It came from here.

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I’m always touched…

touche-pas-a-mon-poteI was asked to write about touch by my Loose Bloggers Consortium mateys. (You’ll find them by scrolling down the right hand side of the screen and clicking on their links..)

Touch – it’s wonderful. Not the “soft touch” (easy to trick), not the “touched” (bit bonkers), not even the “touche pas à mon pote” (hands off my pal) slogan from the French organisation SOS Racisme.

But to me – dear reader… (I’m just changing into my smoking jacket and cravat, lighting the fire and preparing my pipe. There. Ready.)  As I was saying, to me, touch is all about you, wherever you are in the world.  (Except China – not many readers showing up as from China.) As the woman said, I’m just touched by your presence here/dear.

PS: A Christmas joke Continue reading

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Funny

You need cheering up. So here goes…

Mother Teresa (my Granny’s old mucker) died and went to heaven. God greeted her at the Pearly Gates. “Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?” asked God.

“I could eat,” Mother Teresa replied.

So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they began to share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, and pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet.

The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal. Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey, venison, and delicious desserts. Still she said nothing.

The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. She couldn’t contain herself any longer. Meekly, she asked, “God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don’t understand it…”

God sighed. “Let’s be honest Teresa,” He said, “for just two people, it doesn’t pay to cook.”

Now you’re probably wondering how women burn calories in France?

Three ways. Wine, cigarettes and… surprise, surprise… exercise bikes. But not as you know it.

Here’s another.

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

“I have just the thing,” says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

“And what if I swallow it?”

“No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does Continue reading

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And I mean that most sincerely folks

When discussing the concept of sincerity, one man stands colossus over all others. Bob Monkhouse.

Remember his famous touchstone motto? The secret of success is sincerity.

Don’t be fooled by that oleaginous mien. No man can ignite such true* empathy so quickly.

I witnessed him in action at Continue reading

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When TV goes wrong…

Excessive pizza toppings transform Tibet's spiritual leader

Ever told a joke that fell completely flat? Happens to me all the time.

But at least I haven’t done it on live television.

Ever wondered what you’d say to the Dalai Lama if you met him? Well, here’s a tip. Don’t copy this guy coming up.

And have you ever mixed up a work colleague with a leading Nazi? That was a rhetorical question by the way. Obviously we’ve all done that. But probably not on Continue reading

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Competition – You set the rules

I have some books I’d like to give away – old (1947), new, mystery, thrillers, Irish,English, French & poetry. From Pepys and Proust to McGilloway and Haddon – via 1970s London Mystery paperbacks.

But how should I do it?

A competition maybe?

But what? Any ideas?

We’ve done embarrassing stories recently – Sorrygnat and WiseWebWoman came up with a couple. Anyone else fancy chipping in. Perhaps a prize should go to the most excruciating anecdote?

Or should it be something new? Best joke/story?

Like this one – Speeding in Wyoming

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Wyoming State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book.
She said, “I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper’s Ball.”
He replied, “Wyoming State Troopers don’t have balls.”
There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left.

Or Continue reading

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Katy Perry and me

You’ve probably heard those rumours about Katy Perry and me.

Well, it’s true. Continue reading

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The cup winner, the leprechaun, the lawyer and the close shave

Celebration time. One of this blog’s posts has been picked up by the “highly prestigious” web magazine The Nonsense Cup, (about halfway down the page if you click it – by the pink bus picture). Which makes it a cup winner.

If you’re not familiar with The Nonsense Cup webzine, you can easily tell it’s a prestige publication simply because it has featured this blog. What other evidence is needed? (Or indeed is available. But skating lightly over that and onwards…)

So in celebration and to assuage your understandable feelings of jealousy – here are three jokes Continue reading

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It’s all here – cheese, politics, a Gandhi joke and the best headline of all time

Thanks to Virus Comix for the cheese.

Politics time now.

This is not about rights and wrongs – but analysis of the raw data. In the US mid term elections, who swung the most from the Democrats to the Republicans? Kevin Drum at Mother Jones has this to say:

First things first: In 2006 Democrats won the popular vote for the House of Representatives by about 8 points. In 2010, Republicans won the popular vote by about 6 points. That’s a shift of 14 points. There are plenty of broad structural explanations for this—the economy, dislike of health care reform, whatever—but beyond that, we’d also like to know if there were any specific groups that helped power this Republican victory. Was it the youth vote? The evangelicals? What?

To find out, you have to look for groups that swung by substantially more or less than 14 points. So here they are. Based on a comparison of 2006 and 2010 exit polls, here are the demographic groups that showed the biggest swing into the Republican column this year:

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An old Sikh joke…

For most of us religion begins not as a matter of belief, but from the accident of birth and subsequent upbringing. Some make positive decisions to be born again, or to convert. Others drift off to something vaguer or all the way to none-of-the-above.

If I could choose, starting from scratch, all cultural and racial baggage to one side, the Sikhs might be the boys for me. Continue reading

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