The oddest place I’ve ever slept…

It was pipe like this – except without the bed, the door, the electric light…

Top five oddest places I’ve slept in, on or under…

1. In a pipe – at some construction site near Grenoble, France. (“Ce n’est pas un lit,” I thought to myself.) I woke and left before being hoisted up by a crane.
2. Under a wardrobe (and some mattresses) – after a big night in Dublin. Took a while to be discovered and then extricated.
3. At the edge of a cliff – by accident. It was dark. We had been trekking over some small mountains. We were tired. Luckily – so we didn’t walk any further forward. In the morning we discovered the tent was covered in snow. As was the land on either side. But not in front. That’s where the cliff was – and the sea.
4. By petrol pumps near Karlsruhe, Germany. That’s where my last lift dropped me. I’d hitched from Poland. There was grass and undergrowth which looked more soft and inviting, but was rustling with quare fellas.* So a nap amidst the hard surfaces, flourescent lighting and idling engines seemed preferable.
5. In the middle of a sentence while broadcasting live on the radio. One moment I was giving out some racing results, then next I was slurring… murmuring… silent. People checked the tuning on their radios. Then they heard snoring. How mortifying.**

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Conkers v. Spiders

Scared of spiders? Tired of cobwebs in your corners? Never fear! There’s a pishogue for everything. An old wives tale, that is.

First, gather some conkers. (Luckily it’s still the tail end of the conker season.) Second, place a conker in every corner of the room where spiders lurk. Third, sit back, relax and wait for the spiders to flee. Fourth, inspect your spider-free corners.

Easy. But this blog would never just blithely dish out advice without subjecting it to rigorous testing. Which might be why my seven-year-old was dropping conkers in corners all round the house. Hey, it’s all part of scientific enquiry and experimentation.

The result? Oh dear. There, snug in the corner, was a conker, with a squat spider on top. “I think spiders like conkers,” said my daughter’s friend from down the street.

So, er… that’s spiders 1, conkers 0. Don’t believe old wives. Get a duster for those cobwebs you lazy pig. And mind you don’t skid on those conkers scattered round your floor.