So we’re all laughing at those gullible fools who believed the Rapture was coming at the weekend. We’re all chuckling snootily and snidely down our noses. Ho ho, aren’t we so enlightened, not like those sad losers.
Well the laugh is on you.
No, not because Harold Camping has come up with a new date.
Just because neither you nor any of your mates got taken up into heaven – doesn’t mean nobody else did. Quietly. Without a fuss. While you were all (er, and me, ‘cos I’m still here too) wallowing in your complacency, the “elect” could have been boarding SpaceShipOne for a one way trip to the celestial heights.
But that’s not it either.
The thing is, the Rapture did happen. But no men with beards were involved – not even Richard Branson. Harold Camping simply got one significant detail wrong. And here’s the proof.
It wasn’t people that were effected, but THINGS. Inanimate objects.
The evidence is all around.
Don’t believe me? Just look.
So – where’s that other sock then? The top of your biro? House keys – where are they? I could have sworn I put them down just here. And there was definitely a slice of cake in the cupboard. No sign of it now. And no wonder. They’ve all been RAPTURED.
Okay – if you’re determined to be a doubting Thomas, just put your finger inside your wallet and wriggle it around. That’s right. A bit more room inside than you expected. That’s because the contents have been RAPTURED.
Naturally governments across the world are aware of this, but are suppressing it so as not to provoke panic. If people were to discover where all the money has really gone… Well, easier to blame it on bankers’ bonuses.
And the word is that it’s not just objects that got the heavenly call. No. Some other odd phenomena that have gone missing too – Nick Clegg’s popularity, Donald Trump’s momentum and Chelsea’s season. Admittedly the evidence that they ever existed in the first place is a little shaky. But I’m just saying… Anyone got a better explanation?
One thing puzzles me though. I put the bins out at the weekend and they still haven’t been emptied. Guess the Rapture must have somehow overlooked them. Thanks a bunch.
Ah well, they do say the Lord works in mysterious ways.